Disclaimer: The below stunts are performed by an unprofessional cook. Try this at home only under the supervision of a younger sibling.
- Your Mom left for a long holiday to her hometown.
- You are hungry as hell.
- Salary is still a week away and you ran out of food coupons/offers.
- A lot of courage and bravery. (most important ingredient, if you don’t have this don’t proceed)
- A younger sibling. ( if you don’t have one, I am sorry for you !).
- A couple of holidays in your hand (just incase something goes wrong!)
- Some miscellaneous items like ravva, oil, onion, Kaju, etc etc.
Fill your empty hungry stomach with a lot of ingredient#4 and go to the kitchen(If you don’t know where your kitchen is, you’ll just have to figure it yourself. Sorry, google won’t help you here. It is often the place where your Mom shouts and makes you fill the water bottles to be put in the fridge ). Whenever you lose any courage at any point of the time from now, remember to re read the ingredient list (especially items #1,#2 and #3).
Now comes the most crucial part, what to do?
Simple, you just have to recollect all the things which you know about cooking( which might be basically nothing). Well in this case, since generally cooking will be done in a vessel, let’s not try different and go with the same. So after this, we need to figure out, from the items in the kitchen, which things are exactly used for cooking and which things are not used (non edible. Sometimes, mom might keep a cockroach repellant handy in the shelf. Look out!).
The chief ingredient for the recipe is ravva and that’s the challenge. A lot of things in the kitchen look like ravva and am so sorry if your mom doesn’t bother labeling the bottles. Now if you are an engineering student, the joke is on you. By now you must be knowing already, how good you are at making decisions because you decided to do engineering. So don’t even try to use your brain much and call your mom and find out which one of these ‘rava lookalikes’ is the real upma rava. (Oh by the way, before calling up, prepare yourself mentally to listen to another good set of ‘gyan (aka gaali) vachan’. Poor mom thinks kitchen is gonna blow up)
With the confidence of figuring out the rava, put the vessel on the stove. Add few ml oil and a litre of water. Dump all the stuff whatever you like to eat in that vessel and start stirring. Now, this is your moment of pride and don’t miss it even a tiny bit. Just own it and start feeling like you are a professional cook while you stir the contents.
Keep stirring until the thing in that vessel looks like “ it can’t get worse than this” and switch off the stove (if you had switched it on in the first place; else doesn’t matter now. No wonder the cooking programs in the tv mention ‘now switch on the stove’. Never thought it was so important until now). Viola! The so-called cooking is over and the upma is ready.
The final act is the most interesting. Thanks to your parents, you have a younger sibling who will now be your ‘lab rat’. So wake him/her up( he/she probably must be sleeping or you made sure he/she didn’t see your cooking adventure or else he/she will never even try to sniff this). Now when you take the plate of upma to your sbiling, make sure you don’t show any love towards your sibling and ask him/her to eat it in a very casual way. (He/she will get the hint and will not believe if you were suddenly acting nice. Remember, you just have only one sibling, only one tester!)
Act natural, make sure he/she eats. Wait for 60 minutes( just to be safe). If everything is well, then you also eat it. Still, if something happens anyway, you have a holiday the next day to drain it down the toilet. The other option is to just dump everything in the dustbin and order a Swiggy.
– Teja M.H(24th June 2018)
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